Stay Away, Sweet Misery

“How are you supposed to react when you destroy the heart of the person you love? I never wanted this. I never wanted to see him hurt but I didn’t have a choice. Sometimes life is all about timing and this just so happened to be the worst timing ever. How can you tell yourself it all for the best when you know you would never want to be in there position? The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I can’t put into words what I feel and when I do people don’t understand. I couldn’t risk having someone enter my heart or head because at this moment it’s full of so much hatred. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t care but it’s him. I will always love him and I’m discovering how much it would truly devastate me if I ever lost him. His always been there. Through the broken hearts, cuts and bruises, tears and screams and after so many fights he would give up anything to just make me happy. Why does it feel so wrong when everyone and myself knows it’s completely right? I want him in my life regardless of what happens. I’m scared he sees me differently now. There was so much more I wanted to say to him but I couldn’t find the words. I blame this all on timing but I don’t think that’s truly it. Maybe after everything in the past my heart can’t love. I gave up on love and I think is my last little hope for it. I don’t want to jump in too fast to soon or lose out friendship through putting a label on us. In the end I wonder if all this is worth it, all this headache I’ve caused for all of us. I want to release all this pain so I can be with him but I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t. This is so hard. Everything feels like its falling down and that it’s never going to get better. Every day it gets worse and every day I get closer and closer to just giving up on everything. How do I know if it’s time to let go? When do I know if the pain is at its maximum? I’m losing interest in everything I love and everything I love is losing interest in me. Nobody knows. The silence of my emotions stands. It’s not just loneliness now. Its self-destruction, a wounded mind and heart along with broken thoughts that can’t come together. They were right…I’m not stable for him. He deserves better. He deserves to be happy. I wish happiness comes to him soon. I wish both of us could be happy.”

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